Surviving the Holidays...and Your Family

Have you ever noticed that the Christmas season can bring out the crazy in our families? Not everyone has to hunker down and prepare for an afternoon with an angry uncle or passive-aggressive mother, but I know many of you do. I often get emails or stopped by well-meaning people looking for suggestions (and even a way out) of dealing with holiday family gatherings.  Too often, we have the "Oh-that's-just-the-way-it-is" attitude toward holiday Christmas dinners and we give up thinking things could be different.

So, at each gathering we show up and execute the drill and it might look like this:

• Don't talk to your dad about taxes or retirement (...it never goes well).
• Avoid Aunt Elizabeth (...she talks too much about her colitis).
• Remember, don't talk to Cousin Suzanne about Cousin Marcy (...they aren't talking and you shouldn't either).
• Smile when your mother asks you why you don't call more often (...you probably should call more...)

But, what do you do when for all of your careful planning and best intentions someone says something that threatens to set you off? I have a few suggestions that I've discovered to be not only wise, but the best way for you to survive and enjoy the holidays:

• You can only do what you can do...One of my favorite verses in the Bible is Romans 12:18 - "Do all that YOU can to live at peace with everyone." Here's an important truth: you can't make people treat you a particular way. "Doing all that you can" means that you are responsible for treating people with kindness and respect, no matter how they behave toward you. This also means that if their behavior continues to be inappropriate no matter how hard you try, then it is both acceptable and appropriate for you to think making alternative arrangements to attending the gathering. Likewise, if you can't manage yourself when others push your buttons, then you really should think about celebrating the holidays a different way.
• Stop talking...Most of us are stunned and amazed at some of the hurtful - or hateful - words that we save to use for our family (or close friends). Too often, our words are usually spark that leads to the meltdown in our relationships. Ecclesiastes 5:3 warns us that too many words will make us a fool. Why are we a fool? Well, how many times have you had to apologize for words that came flying out of your mouth before because you couldn't get a handle on yourself. Yep, happened to me, too. It's foolish for us to think that we can say whatever we want without leaving a trial of carnage behind us. I heard someone say, "If you are explaining (using lots of words), you are already losing." Sometimes, we've just got to hold our tongue and communicate our opinion at a different time and in a different place.
• Repay a criticism with kindness... Stay with me - when someone says something that is both untrue and mean, you don't have to strike back. Really, you don't. Proverbs 15:1 encourages us with the words: "A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare." By now we know the things that our family members say that drive us crazy. Therefore, let those statements be a cue for you to respond with something like: "I know you don't agree with me, but I'm so glad to celebrate Christmas with you" or "I have a different viewpoint. Can I have some time to think about what you just said?"

Hopefully, these suggestions give you something to think about for the next few weeks. Of course, there is not "one-size-fits-all" solution to the complexities of our family relationship. Still, you have the ability to control how you will experience the holidays and interact with your family and friends.

So, enjoy your Christmas and New Year's gatherings with friends and family. Peace on earth...and at Grandma's.