Are you a people-pleaser? If someone asks you to do something, do you feel like you'll let them down if you say "no"? Have you ever said "yes" to an obligation and then regretted it or suffered through the experience because you didn't know how to say "no"?
Confession time: I can be a people-pleaser. It's not often - but when I am, I really make-up for all of the times that I am not. I like to help people and when I help them, they are usually pleased. It's a good feeling knowing I made someone happy. Therefore, I could be considered a "people-pleaser." In my opinion, not all people-pleasers aren't push-overs, but forgive me for saying this: People-pleasers can be prideful. Ouch. I know, go ahead and feel the pain with me - and let me clarify that statement.
There's nothing more exhilarating than getting "The Ask," especially when it comes from people that we like and admire OR people that we want to like or admire us. It doesn't matter if we are being asked to plan our child's class party or chair a major gala, "The Ask" becomes a powerful (yet possibly erroneous) validation of our deep desire to be important or irreplaceable.When we hear the words, "Would you..." or "We would love you to consider...", warm, yummy endorphins start racing through our system, making our body tingle.There's nothing like being called up to the plate for a swing - especially when we beat someone else out for the opportunity (that's the pride part...). Perhaps you remember seeing footage of the an iconic moment in Academy Award history when actress Sally Fields claimed her Oscar and enthusiastically proclaimed to the Academy: "You like me, you like me." *
So, what's the bad part about "The Ask"? Yes, there is a downside. The downside is when you or I say "Yes to the Dress" and it isn't the right fit or role for us. Maybe bad timing, current family dynamics, pending projects before or after, etc. Too often, "The Ask" is so powerful, that it blinds us to the important questions we need to consider before saying signing on to a commitment - no matter the size or scope of the obligation.
What questions should we consider? After some really stressful scheduling conflicts, I needed a better way to slice through my "You-like-me" euphoria in order decide what requests should get a "yes" and to which ones I must say "no." Luckily, some smart people have spoken into my life on this topic and I thought I'd share with you some of what I've learned.
Here are a few questions for you and I to consider:
1. MOTIVE: "Am I saying "yes" because "The Ask" is consistent with my hopes, dreams, goals or purpose in life OR am I saying "yes" just because I was asked?"
2. FIT: "Is there anyone else who could do this task as well as OR better than me?"
2. SCHEDULE: "Do I really have the time to not only show up for the obligation, but to also properly prepare for this opportunity?"
3. AFFORDABILITY: "What are the financial and relational costs associated with this opportunity? Can I truly afford those costs?"
If all systems are go for the "yes," then call up and accept! But, if there are some red flags and a "no" is in order, here's one more thing to consider: Plan your "no." Yep, you have to plan how you will say "no." My suggestion is to follow the KISS rule (Keep It Simple, Stupid) and just say, "No, thank you. I'm honored to be asked, but I am unable to participate at this time." You can customize this statement to fit your style, but you've got to have your "no" planned. Otherwise, you'll end up flipping on your decision if the other party decides to apply some pressure to get you to change your mind. We all know there is nothing worse than agreeing to do something you never planned to do.
In a Matthew 5, Jesus was teaching about the importance of carefully evaluating our obligations: “Simply let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No’...** During this Christmas season, we remember how Jesus came to this earth with a purpose. He was never distracted from his purpose by all of the opportunities that cropped up each day to heal the sick, perform miracles and so many other good things. Yet, Jesus accomplished his assigned mission because he said "yes" to the best. And unapologetically walked away from the rest.
References:
*Link to Sally Field's iconic acceptance speech - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rl_NpdAy3WY
**Matthew 5:37
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