I was reading an article about actress Jessica Alba, who has acted in television shows such as Dark Angel and starred in movies like "Honey" and "Fantastic Four." She's always been a red carpet darling and the camera loves her. So I was surprised to read about how this soon-to-deliver-her-second-child woman was already talking about how she was going to lose her pregnancy weight because of the pressure she feels to be thin. Celeb-journalists (as opposed to real journalists...) quote Ms. Alba as saying that she'll starve herself to lose the weight. I sure hope that isn't true, but if it is, then bless her heart...
I kept reading Ms. Alba's assessment (again, as written by a celeb-journalist) of her saggy breasts, cellulite and bigger hips. I'm sure that Ms. Alba's hips are completely, outta control. (Sorry, that was snarky.) But it's just ridiculous - yet I still feel sad for her. Can't a woman get pregnant, gain weight and proudly wear the battle scars - and cellulite - associated with the miracle of giving birth? And after Ms. Alba gives birth, the clock is going to be running for her to peel off the pregnancy weight because if she's still packing even three left-over pregnancy pounds, she won't be able to leave the house for a coffee run at Starbucks for fear that someone will criticize her on Wonderwall.com. My youngest daughter's turns 11 tomorrow and I don't have time to feel guilty about the last 10 pounds I didn't lose from that pregnancy. Then again, I'm not an actress being paid $2.5 million dollars to entice audiences out to see a movie that cost $75 million to make...
Obviously, Alba's livelihood is very much connected to her visual image and she gets paid very well to fit into clothes sized in the low, single digits. Hollywood success is about fitting the ideal - a fantastical ideal that these actresses and pop stars buy into - maybe because of the financial rewards, perhaps the fame - whatever it is, they agree to it. And the rest of us spend our times resisting the urge to join them in their pursuit- including me. In fact, there was another article (on Friday) that listed the height and weight of many popular female Hollywood celebs and supermodels. It was INSANE! Women with a height of 5'11' weighing 110 lbs. I'm 5'10" and famous Hollywood women of my height didn't tip the scales over 120 lbs. Do you want to know when I'm gonna weigh 120 lbs? After I've been dead at least two weeks...
Where's my cookie at?
Friday, August 5, 2011
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Add "hillbilly" for a hit...
Hillbilly Handfishing? Really.Yet it seems so. This newest reality television show premieres this Sunday on Animal Planet. For your sake, I decided to dig up some more info about the show...you're welcome. I really think this one is going to stick because it is based on the classic formula for television success something unique, then add 'hillbilly' to the title...shaazam! Instant audience!
The reality show, Hillbilly Handfishin' features hosts Skipper and Jackson - I don't know Skipper's last name and Jackson's last name is Jackson, but I don't know his first name. Right off the bat, I realized that both men possess the appropriate Southern drawl, which is sure to boost ratings in the North. (I'm certain that the show's creators and producers know that Northerners love to listen to Southern drawls -we really do. We like twangs, too.)
Some basic Hillbilly Handfishing vocabulary: "noodlin," which is the fancy verb that describes the action of handfishing. Therefore, 'noodlers' are the people who stick their hand into a fishing hole in hopes of snagging a fish - barehanded - hence the name 'handfishing.' Notice how I did not mention the words "pole" or "hook" in the previous description. Why didn't I mention those two important pieces of equipment? Well, that seems to be where the "hillbilly" come in. The absence of those particular accouterments now defines the activity as something that hillbillies would do.
Why "hillbilly" is the term chosen to describe this method of fishing, I don't know? What I do know is that any time something is tagged with the word "hillbilly" us Northerners are going to tune in and watch in hopes that our stereotypical expectations are fulfilled. While there are lots of other terms that also denote handfishin' such as: catfisting, grabbling, hogging, dogging, tickling and stumping - however, none of them have the potential to draw viewers and ratings like the word "hillbilly." Sad, but true. Would it be called 'gangstafishing' if two brown-skinned brothers in saggy jeans jumped in the water and started shooting the fish with a gun cocked sideways? I'm just saying...
I watched a Leno interview where Skipper showed a clip demonstrating how handfishing worked - whether you were a hillbilly or not. First rule of handfishing: keep your clothes on. I watched as the clip of Skipper jumping off a high ledge into dirty water fully-dressed - he was wearing khakis and work boots, but no shirt. However, his noodlin' partner, Jackson opted to keep his shirt on. You can speculate one approach over the other, but frankly, I was too busy wondering about the absence of a boat.
I watched as Skipper and Jackson swam in the murky, muddy water feeling for open holes in the muddy riverbank walls. Once an opening in the riverbank was located, then its all hands on deck - or in this case, all hands in the hole! What happens next is a bunch of flailing and yelling before the fish is subdued by Skipper. Honestly, I couldn't tell if the fish was dead or not. I think knowing that is important, don't you? How in the world do they get back to shore with a big fish in their arms? If they had a boat, I probably wouldn't have so many questions.
It seems I'm a little slow and so I probably wouldn't make a good noodler. Perhaps I don't get the essence of the sport - especially when I hear Skipper explain that "noodlin'" is like going "bear huntin' with a switch." What does that mean? I don't know. Feel free to explain it to me...
Did you realize that handfishing is illegal in many states, including Ohio. There are 10 or so states where it is legal, most of those states being in the South, most importantly, Kentucky. Then again, Sister Wives proves that legalities aren't really a barrier to reality television.
Since I like drawls, twangs and fish, I'll probably watch on Sunday. If you watch, tell us what you think. And if you've been handfishing, it's up to you whether or not you want to tell us about it...
The reality show, Hillbilly Handfishin' features hosts Skipper and Jackson - I don't know Skipper's last name and Jackson's last name is Jackson, but I don't know his first name. Right off the bat, I realized that both men possess the appropriate Southern drawl, which is sure to boost ratings in the North. (I'm certain that the show's creators and producers know that Northerners love to listen to Southern drawls -we really do. We like twangs, too.)
Some basic Hillbilly Handfishing vocabulary: "noodlin," which is the fancy verb that describes the action of handfishing. Therefore, 'noodlers' are the people who stick their hand into a fishing hole in hopes of snagging a fish - barehanded - hence the name 'handfishing.' Notice how I did not mention the words "pole" or "hook" in the previous description. Why didn't I mention those two important pieces of equipment? Well, that seems to be where the "hillbilly" come in. The absence of those particular accouterments now defines the activity as something that hillbillies would do.
Why "hillbilly" is the term chosen to describe this method of fishing, I don't know? What I do know is that any time something is tagged with the word "hillbilly" us Northerners are going to tune in and watch in hopes that our stereotypical expectations are fulfilled. While there are lots of other terms that also denote handfishin' such as: catfisting, grabbling, hogging, dogging, tickling and stumping - however, none of them have the potential to draw viewers and ratings like the word "hillbilly." Sad, but true. Would it be called 'gangstafishing' if two brown-skinned brothers in saggy jeans jumped in the water and started shooting the fish with a gun cocked sideways? I'm just saying...
I watched a Leno interview where Skipper showed a clip demonstrating how handfishing worked - whether you were a hillbilly or not. First rule of handfishing: keep your clothes on. I watched as the clip of Skipper jumping off a high ledge into dirty water fully-dressed - he was wearing khakis and work boots, but no shirt. However, his noodlin' partner, Jackson opted to keep his shirt on. You can speculate one approach over the other, but frankly, I was too busy wondering about the absence of a boat.
I watched as Skipper and Jackson swam in the murky, muddy water feeling for open holes in the muddy riverbank walls. Once an opening in the riverbank was located, then its all hands on deck - or in this case, all hands in the hole! What happens next is a bunch of flailing and yelling before the fish is subdued by Skipper. Honestly, I couldn't tell if the fish was dead or not. I think knowing that is important, don't you? How in the world do they get back to shore with a big fish in their arms? If they had a boat, I probably wouldn't have so many questions.
It seems I'm a little slow and so I probably wouldn't make a good noodler. Perhaps I don't get the essence of the sport - especially when I hear Skipper explain that "noodlin'" is like going "bear huntin' with a switch." What does that mean? I don't know. Feel free to explain it to me...
Did you realize that handfishing is illegal in many states, including Ohio. There are 10 or so states where it is legal, most of those states being in the South, most importantly, Kentucky. Then again, Sister Wives proves that legalities aren't really a barrier to reality television.
Since I like drawls, twangs and fish, I'll probably watch on Sunday. If you watch, tell us what you think. And if you've been handfishing, it's up to you whether or not you want to tell us about it...
Monday, August 1, 2011
Hail to Hilly
It’s been months since I’ve finished reading Kathryn Stockett’s best selling book, The Help. I borrowed it from my friend, Amy, who gave me her copy and with a gleam in her eye she said, “You are really going to enjoy this book.” (That copy has now traveled countless miles around Ohio. Each woman that borrows it has been writing her name on the inside jacket cover - very cool!)
About 50 pages into the novel, I realized that in order to get through this book, there were going to have to be some changes - after all, a woman's gotta prioritize. First, dinner had to be quick. Normally, I love making well-balanced, tasty dinners, but I had to suspend my kitchen operation for a few days. I ran to the store and grabbed a few boxes of mac-n-cheese to sustain the troops while I was locked away laughing hysterically at the encounter between Minny, Miss Celia and the naked burglar. Second, the family was going to have to turn their underwear inside out because Momma didn't have time for laundry...just kidding - I really didn't make them do that. Calm down, Mom.
No matter the obstacles, I had to press on through this book because there were so many things I didn't know. Did Skeeter find a solution for her frizzy hair? What in the world was Miss Celia up to in that upstairs bedroom? Would Elizabeth Leeloft eventually realize that her child loved Aibileen more than her? But most of all I kept reading to find out one thing:
Would Hilly Holbrook ever get hers?
Every good story in life has a villain and when the villain is a stylish Southern woman with a mean streak and a name that alliterates, well that makes for an even better story. Perhaps the “perfect” Southern Satan, it was Hilly’s sly, scheming behavior that kept me turning the pages until well after midnight for several days. Her Southern bred manners combined with two cups of pure 'ole mean catalyzed the action in the story.
For those of us who have read the book, we all experienced “the moment” that was worth all of the tearful moments we had as we navigated the devastating lows each woman experience in the book.
Once upon a time, my grandmother was The Help. It wasn't in the South, but in my hometown about two hours away from Toledo in a little community called Medina. She used to tell me about the fine families in our community that she would keep house for - the meals she would serve in fine homes or the laundry that she would wash - children that she would make snacks for. It's a shame that The Help didn't come out 10 years ago because I would have loved to ask her if she knew a Minny, Aibileen or any one of the other ladies portrayed in the story. Personally, I think my grandmother was probably a mix of Minny and Aibileen - maybe a little more Minny than Aibileen, though...
I would have asked Grandma if she ever encountered a Hilly Holbrook. Since it was the 50's and 60's, I'm sure she did. However, I also know that Grandma would have told me that she never paid the Hillys of my hometown any mind - but, she probably wouldn't have told me if she's ever made any "Hilly pies"...
Once upon a time, my grandmother was The Help. It wasn't in the South, but in my hometown about two hours away from Toledo in a little community called Medina. She used to tell me about the fine families in our community that she would keep house for - the meals she would serve in fine homes or the laundry that she would wash - children that she would make snacks for. It's a shame that The Help didn't come out 10 years ago because I would have loved to ask her if she knew a Minny, Aibileen or any one of the other ladies portrayed in the story. Personally, I think my grandmother was probably a mix of Minny and Aibileen - maybe a little more Minny than Aibileen, though...
I would have asked Grandma if she ever encountered a Hilly Holbrook. Since it was the 50's and 60's, I'm sure she did. However, I also know that Grandma would have told me that she never paid the Hillys of my hometown any mind - but, she probably wouldn't have told me if she's ever made any "Hilly pies"...
The Help” movie comes out on August 10. I checked the early movie review websites and previewers have promised that fans of the book won’t be disappoint.
I better not be. Anyone else going to see the movie?
If you haven't seen the movie trailer, check this out: "The Help" Movie Trailer
Friday, July 29, 2011
The Lifetime Movie Hostage Situation…
Most women know the danger of the Lifetime movie and yet we tend to fall for them every time. It’s always a movie with a mediocre storyline cast with B-list actors set in an All-American suburb. The heroine is either a single mother, a put-upon wife or a cosmopolitan single woman in need of romance and/or danger.
The Lifetime Movie-Watcher hostage situation happens innocently enough. While we never actually set out to watch a Lifetime movie, it is our remote control that betrays us. We are particularly susceptible to these movies at 9:30pm, once we’ve discovered that Gray’s Anatomy is a re-run or after watching half of Desperate Housewives and realizing that the same, stupid storyline isn’t ending anytime soon. So, we begin channel surfing...
And this is how it goes down:
Step One: As we channel surf, we don’t realize that we’ve landed on Lifetime movie. Instead, we see an actress we recognize from a previous favorite television show. We liked her from the show and we stop to see if perhaps she is playing the same type of character.
Step Two: We wait around to see if she is either dating or married to a handsome guy. If he’s not handsome or he’s a jerk, that instantly breaks the spell and we are saved from the hostage situation. But, if he’s cute…
Step Three: THE SITUATION…it depends. If our likeable heroine is falling in love or if she is in danger and he is coming to her rescue, we’re going to stick around and watch it.
Step Four: This is called the “Point-of-no-Return…” This is the point in the movie in which we realize we’ve been had – we’re stuck and we won’t turn, even though we really, really want to. While we might like the actress playing the heroine and we are hoping for a happy ending, we are dying over the silly storyline that they are trapped in. It’s usually implausible or just plain old wacky.
However, when we look at the clock and realize that we’ve invested 85 minutes into a 120-minute movie, we realize we've been had. Yet, we continue watching. We're not happy, but we keep watching.
And I don’t know about you, but at the end of every Lifetime movie, I always mutter the same words as I drag myself unhappily up the steps: “Well, that’s two hours of my life that I’ll never get back…”
Any other victims out there? If so, tell me which Lifetime Movie has held you hostage and was it worth it?
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Because I can...
The #1 question I get all of the time is why do I wear heels. "Barb, you are already crazy tall, so why do you insist on wearing heels?" Tall people never ask me that question. My husband never asks me that question, but he is taller than me.
Why do I wear heels? Because I can.
I have a philosophy: If I am already tall, I might as well be taller. There are a lot of cute shoes out there and frankly, I don't want to miss out. Besides, that extra three inches comes in handy at the grocery store when the lady next to me can't reach the panko bread crumbs on the top shelf.
When I slide into a pair of heels, I truly feel more confident. Some people go for a particular shirt or pants for an extra boost to his or self-esteem - I go for a spiky heel. Each clickity-clack of the heel reminds me that where I am going or what I am doing should leave an impression. Too often people tip toe through life, just trying to fly under the radar and get by or blend into the landscape around them.
In heels, I can't hide. And I don't want to. Life is short and then we die. We never know when our last step is going to be.
Life is short. Make every step count.
Why do I wear heels? Because I can.
I have a philosophy: If I am already tall, I might as well be taller. There are a lot of cute shoes out there and frankly, I don't want to miss out. Besides, that extra three inches comes in handy at the grocery store when the lady next to me can't reach the panko bread crumbs on the top shelf.
When I slide into a pair of heels, I truly feel more confident. Some people go for a particular shirt or pants for an extra boost to his or self-esteem - I go for a spiky heel. Each clickity-clack of the heel reminds me that where I am going or what I am doing should leave an impression. Too often people tip toe through life, just trying to fly under the radar and get by or blend into the landscape around them.
In heels, I can't hide. And I don't want to. Life is short and then we die. We never know when our last step is going to be.
Life is short. Make every step count.
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